Contradiction of Morals and a Bottle of Blue Moon

I think it's pretty much explained in the title... kind of... for me it can be, but it takes knowing me to understand that.
I can't explain, but I just needed to throw this out there.

Earth

I am confused, but what else is new.
So, I think I need to explain. If I didn't live in a free country and my marriage was arranged, I would be marrying Earth. Actually, I would probably be married to Earth already. But, since I live in a free country and tend to be the girl who acts like a goody-goody, but sees everything in a sarcastic point of view, I have grown up hating Earth.
Earth doesn't leave.
And my parents LOVE him. In my parent's eyes, Earth is perfect. And because Earth is perfect in my parent's eyes, I hate him even more. I even went on a date with him in high school just to prove to my parents that he wasn't the one for me. I came home and told my extremely conservative parents that he smoked pot. They said something about how we all make mistakes. If I told them that I smoked pot, for the record, I don't, they would blow a casket and disown me, but, then again, I am not "perfect."
Okay, so, during this date, I told Earth I wanted to go to my party school and he laughed because I don't party, and, if you have so much as ever met me, that's pretty apparent. So, guess where he ends up going to school? Yep. Got a full scholarship here. It made me rethink my decision. I felt like he was taking the option of going here away from me, all of a sudden, he made it seem like if I went to my dream school (yes, the party school was my dream school) that I would be following him. Whenever I so much as mentioned college, the 'rents would be like, "Well, (insert real name here), is going to (my party school)." But it was originally my school and not his and all of a sudden it became his and not mine. I never realized how much anger I had about this. (sidenote: I just wrote an entire essay on how it was nice to go to a school where people from my hometown didn't follow me... sorry, Earth, forgot about you)... So, he followed me. Sad thing is he was once Stanford bound... haha.
So, anyway, I hate this kid. Never see him on campus. But my mom and his mom have pow-wows, where I am sure all that they do is talk about us getting married, and, therefore, I find out everything about his life.
I go to a fairly small school, so, the one day my parents visit, (I had English that day, which I was in while all of this is happening) Earth sits down and eats with my parents. My mom asks how come the one day she is there, she sees him, but I never see him.... She probably thinks I have a campus-wide game of "Ditch Earth" going on...
So, life goes on. I don't see him, but he becomes the subject of every conversation... I still don't know how that one happens. Sometimes, I mention his name just so my mom won't ask me so many questions about my life, but instead she'll go on an Earth rant.
So, the one day I look like absolute crap (I even blow-dried my bangs with the hand-dryer in the public restrooms in the hall where I have my first class. If you can picture someone doing that, you can probably visualize how crappy I looked) I had an appointment with my counselor. I check in and sit down and hear words that no one ever wants to hear while sitting in a psychiatric waiting room.
"Hello, Brittany."
I look up and it takes me a minute to put a name to the face and it suddenly hits me that this is Earth. Earth - the perfect kid- in the counselor's office. I see him on a completely normal level for the first time in my life. We talk - small talk, but, at the same time, it's such a deep conversation. I don't develop a "crush," but, all of a sudden, I have "feelings." It's a connection. Someone at my party school knows that I am not perfect and that I see a counselor and I like that I don't have a secret from this kid. All of a sudden, nothing is secret. Everything is secret, but we are on the same level, so, nothing is secret. There is complete understanding.
So, Thanksgiving Break comes about, and, of course, my mom talks about him. (I told her I bumped into him, I didn't tell her where.) He is even brought up at the Thanksgiving dinner table.
And I don't know how I feel at this point in time. I have "feelings" for a guy that I have had a point to not have "feelings" for my entire life.
So, I pray. I think my prayer was along the lines of, "God, what the Hell am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to reach out and invite him to coffee and help him pick up the shattered pieces of his life? (and maybe eventually start some sort of relationship (damn scary word)?)" (not my exact words, but I think that was the idea.) I asked Him if his answer could be whether or not Earth would show up to counseling the following week. Guess who got sick and cancelled? It hurt, this is God telling me "no." and I really wanted the answer to be "yes." I almost needed the answer to be "yes."
But, this kid keeps coming back into my life. So, something is supposed to happen. We aren't supposed to have a "relationship" (if there is a Higher Power), but I know something is supposed to happen. And now I am stuck with liking the guy that everyone has been waiting for me to like since I was born. And now that I finally do, it hurts that it is most likely going to be nothing.

Note to Self

You left home to get away from the drama, so, how come on your visit home, you end up a Bride's Maid in a Lesbian wedding?

I seriously think my life on paper sounds ridiculous and completely unbelievable, but this is, unfortunately, my real life.
I came home from my party school and had coffee with one of my friends, which was awesome. And then I called my Lesbian skittles addict and we got coffee too. With her girlfriend. And they had important news to tell me. They are planning their wedding. Yup. Kind of missing the alcoholic roommate...and guy roommie likes... okay, I don't miss him at all.
Shopping with the parents has been super fun though! That's the bright side of being home. Today was my mom's birthday and we went to the mall. It was a lot of fun.
But "Earth" is still the best part of my life. I hope I see him sometime soon.

Passion Party

So, yes, I go to a party school. I go to a place filled with drugs, sex, alcohol, potheads, dumb blondes, and crime.
But I am okay with that.
Even still, I think I am one of the last people on the planet with morals.
But, Passion Party was fun. Actually more appropriate than my sex lecture yesterday, believe it or not.

Crush, Crush?

So, first of all, party school? My RA is having a "Passion Party" and I had an insane lecture on my sexual health.
So, crush, crush? Weird week? Um, yeah. Weird, emotion-filled week. And no one gets it. The guy my roommie likes thinks I like him...? Um, no, I am actually repulsed by him. He is a nice guy and we had a "deep" talk, but, um, no, no thanks.
And then there is guy who should be gay, but follows me around and walks me to class and keeps inviting me to do things. Sometimes I wonder why I am a nice person in real life.
And then, there is Replacement Spencer, who everyone thinks I have something with... I guess, in the college world, we revert back to our junior high school selves and conclude that guys and girls can't be just friends. I like the just friends thing. It's comfortable.
Leads me to another just friends thing I have going on. There is this guy, let's just say he is pretty, and, therefore, really fun to like on a shallow level. And I know that he knows that I am attracted to him, but, oh well. I also know I don't have a chance. But he had a conversation with a girl who didn't know I liked him. They talked about me. He called me cool. Made my day just a bit. Yes, reverting back to the junior high self again. The hot guy calling you cool making your day thing... Actually, wait, no, in junior high, the cute guy called me a bitch.... But that's a different story. No, no, I think his words were "she's a freak..." Okay, I don't remember. For once in my life, I don't remember.
So, good crush? Yes, but I am not yet going to call it a crush... But, there is this guy, and my heart is just going out to him. I don't want to be in a relationship, but I want to get to know him on a deeper level. Make sense? Does anything I say? Not really, not really ever. And it's a secret, but it's not a secret. And it's hard to explain. I don't like him, but I feel obligated to help him. It's probably because he is the only person who hasn't been expecting me to clean up his messes. I should have reached out right then and there and invited him to grab coffee with me. But I know that God works in mysterious ways and I can do just that. I don't want it to mean anything, I just want to grab a coffee (I am an addict) and catch up on life.
So, this year has gone from a crush on a devil warshipper (Hell.) to a bible humper (Heaven.) to a shallow crush that is just something to waste time while we are here (Purgatory.) to someone normal who I am not saying I am crushing on (Earth.).
It's Earth. It's a comfortable place to be in.

"Drunk. Drunk. Sober." The new version of "Duck, Duck, Goose."

Hopefully not a lot of people I know will ever stumble upon this blog.
I go to a party school. On any given night, I am sober. No, this doesn't make me better than anyone, it just makes me in control. I need to learn to submit control. No through the act of drinking, that is still a habit I have no intention of starting, but in another way. I am learning I have too much control.
The funny thing, I fought for all of the control in the world until I got it and I never realized how much control I had.
Tuesday night made me realize that I had too much control. I was no longer just in control of my life, I was in control of everyone else's lives too. I clean up the messes. Both literally and figuratively.
Tuesday, my friend texted me about her "dead baby." My friend claims to have been a prostitute who apparently got pregnant through butt sex. That's not meant to be funny, that is meant to be serious. Sad thing is, she is a liar. I am pretty sure she is a virgin. I think she has lied about every aspect of her life. All of us are terrible people who laugh at her behind her back. But, the best part of it all is, when she tells stories about her days from "the street corner," everyone in the stories have names from Harry Potter books. Sad thing is, I am such a nerd that I was able to catch that. I never called her out on it though.
Then I suffered through math, but, after, I had Speech and Debate practice, (okay, why do I go to a party school?) which is one of my favorite parts of the week! I love Speech and Debate, even if I suck at it.
I got back to my dorm right when my roommate was about to leave. About an hour later, our neighbor starts frantically knocking on my door. I let her in and she asks if she can hide in here. I say yes. She says a bunch of people (including my lovely roommie, by the way) were caught pre-gaming on the guy's side of the floor and she was the only one who "escaped." She leaves soon after (with the lovely roommie) and they go off to party and get wasted.
So, because my life is my life, my phone starts ringing (I get excited everytime my phone starts ringing because my ringtone is "Loose Lips" by Kimya Dawson.... I always sing along when it starts ringing...sad thing is, sometimes, I get so caught up in the song that I forget to answer...) and it's my favorite skittles addict! (not a DXM addict, an actual skittles, the candy, addict. although it wouldn't surprise me if she was using DXM. It surprises me that I know that skittles is a slang term for DXM.) So, I get excited about answering the phone and talking to her. She tells me that she just got off the phone with her ex who is holding a blade to her wrist as we speak and she can't bring herself to call the police. So, I take the responsibility of calling the police. Too bad you can't put an area code in front of 9-1-1 and their non-emergency number was closed. So, I call the 'rents, who end up calling the skittles addict, who ends up calling the police. I think I was at a point of hysterics. I couldn't stip laughing over the fact that my speech for speech and debate (which I was practicing) was about suicide (it is actually the TWLOHA story and the girl had just carved "fuck up" into her arm) and that I was also wearing a suicide prevention shirt.
Then my roommate came back. Apparently, she drank a little too much. She stood outside my door and laughed and said "No, I don't want to go in there." Three guys had walked her back. Apparently, she passed out in some bushes, got the SIM card in her phone switched, was, consequently, phone jacked, an ambulance was called, the paramedics couldn't find her, one guy that eventually brought her home found her and explained to the paramedics that she was okay, and then took her home to the comfort of MY dorm room. She was wearing three sweatshirts and her pulse was really low. She had apparently puked all over her clothes. She continued to puke into the trash can. Sad thing is, it was only about 12:30 and she was this wasted. One guy from our floor brought her back. This is the guy she "likes" but he doesn't "want a relationship" and she doesn't want a hook-up because she is better than that. She kept apologizing to the both of us. But I understood.
Guy she likes stayed to take care of her. My skittles addict called me back and I talked to her about everything. The suicidal ex was taken in the back of a police car, 5150, not sure if she was in the medical hospital or the psych hospital.
Guy roommie likes asked me about my phone call. I was so not caring at that point and I told him everything including the funny part about the suicide prevention shirt and the suicide prevention speech. And then we shared secrets and it was a good conversation.
Wednesday, my "day off," I had an hour of Speech and Debate practice. I woke up, stepped in puke left over from the roommie, went to Starbucks, and spent six and a half hours at practice. (They were having an all-day thing, but we were assigned different times. I just needed to stay, so I could be away.) And then I got to go to my small group communication's meeting. I went back to my room and, thankfully, the puke was cleaned up. Then we had a floor meeting. We usually do something with art. That night we were making door decorations for our roommates and we had to write why we were thankful for them. "Um, um, um, um, she's nice? But that's all I can think..." is a direct quote from my brain. I saw her across the room, scrawling what seemed to be a novel. Seriously? You are that grateful for me?
This was the span of two days and this isn't even everything that happened. It was just a week.