Earth

I am confused, but what else is new.
So, I think I need to explain. If I didn't live in a free country and my marriage was arranged, I would be marrying Earth. Actually, I would probably be married to Earth already. But, since I live in a free country and tend to be the girl who acts like a goody-goody, but sees everything in a sarcastic point of view, I have grown up hating Earth.
Earth doesn't leave.
And my parents LOVE him. In my parent's eyes, Earth is perfect. And because Earth is perfect in my parent's eyes, I hate him even more. I even went on a date with him in high school just to prove to my parents that he wasn't the one for me. I came home and told my extremely conservative parents that he smoked pot. They said something about how we all make mistakes. If I told them that I smoked pot, for the record, I don't, they would blow a casket and disown me, but, then again, I am not "perfect."
Okay, so, during this date, I told Earth I wanted to go to my party school and he laughed because I don't party, and, if you have so much as ever met me, that's pretty apparent. So, guess where he ends up going to school? Yep. Got a full scholarship here. It made me rethink my decision. I felt like he was taking the option of going here away from me, all of a sudden, he made it seem like if I went to my dream school (yes, the party school was my dream school) that I would be following him. Whenever I so much as mentioned college, the 'rents would be like, "Well, (insert real name here), is going to (my party school)." But it was originally my school and not his and all of a sudden it became his and not mine. I never realized how much anger I had about this. (sidenote: I just wrote an entire essay on how it was nice to go to a school where people from my hometown didn't follow me... sorry, Earth, forgot about you)... So, he followed me. Sad thing is he was once Stanford bound... haha.
So, anyway, I hate this kid. Never see him on campus. But my mom and his mom have pow-wows, where I am sure all that they do is talk about us getting married, and, therefore, I find out everything about his life.
I go to a fairly small school, so, the one day my parents visit, (I had English that day, which I was in while all of this is happening) Earth sits down and eats with my parents. My mom asks how come the one day she is there, she sees him, but I never see him.... She probably thinks I have a campus-wide game of "Ditch Earth" going on...
So, life goes on. I don't see him, but he becomes the subject of every conversation... I still don't know how that one happens. Sometimes, I mention his name just so my mom won't ask me so many questions about my life, but instead she'll go on an Earth rant.
So, the one day I look like absolute crap (I even blow-dried my bangs with the hand-dryer in the public restrooms in the hall where I have my first class. If you can picture someone doing that, you can probably visualize how crappy I looked) I had an appointment with my counselor. I check in and sit down and hear words that no one ever wants to hear while sitting in a psychiatric waiting room.
"Hello, Brittany."
I look up and it takes me a minute to put a name to the face and it suddenly hits me that this is Earth. Earth - the perfect kid- in the counselor's office. I see him on a completely normal level for the first time in my life. We talk - small talk, but, at the same time, it's such a deep conversation. I don't develop a "crush," but, all of a sudden, I have "feelings." It's a connection. Someone at my party school knows that I am not perfect and that I see a counselor and I like that I don't have a secret from this kid. All of a sudden, nothing is secret. Everything is secret, but we are on the same level, so, nothing is secret. There is complete understanding.
So, Thanksgiving Break comes about, and, of course, my mom talks about him. (I told her I bumped into him, I didn't tell her where.) He is even brought up at the Thanksgiving dinner table.
And I don't know how I feel at this point in time. I have "feelings" for a guy that I have had a point to not have "feelings" for my entire life.
So, I pray. I think my prayer was along the lines of, "God, what the Hell am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to reach out and invite him to coffee and help him pick up the shattered pieces of his life? (and maybe eventually start some sort of relationship (damn scary word)?)" (not my exact words, but I think that was the idea.) I asked Him if his answer could be whether or not Earth would show up to counseling the following week. Guess who got sick and cancelled? It hurt, this is God telling me "no." and I really wanted the answer to be "yes." I almost needed the answer to be "yes."
But, this kid keeps coming back into my life. So, something is supposed to happen. We aren't supposed to have a "relationship" (if there is a Higher Power), but I know something is supposed to happen. And now I am stuck with liking the guy that everyone has been waiting for me to like since I was born. And now that I finally do, it hurts that it is most likely going to be nothing.